With the holiday season in full swing, conflict among some family members might be unavoidable.
For two days at Patch, our pros will answer your questions about family conflict.
This week, our pros are:
- Megan Bearce, LMFT, who specializes in supporting high-achieving women of all ages, but also works with men, couples, and parents of gifted kids. She has offices in Wayzata and Edina.
- Jenny Reimann, MSW, LICSW of Reimann Counseling Clinic in Maple Grove, serves as a private practitioner working with a broad spectrum of clients.
- Craig Rens, MA, LMFT, and Clinical Director of . He is a licensed individual, couples, and family therapist and is specifically trained to treat and improve couples and family relationships regardless of their current condition.
On Tuesday, Dec. 4, and Wednesday, Dec. 5 our experts will take questions from Patch users about family conflicts.
So go ahead and ask away! Leave your questions in the comments area below and they’ll check back regularly through Wednesday to answer your questions.
Editor's note: The contents of this post and comments are for informational and educational purposes only and not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological, psychiatric or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
One last add, you said your kids try things for a year at time? That actually sounds like a good period of time for a child to commit to. While they may not be a four year basketball player, for example, they are at least trying different things and getting themselves exposed to different group and system dynamics that will aid them in the future. Good luck. You sound like a good parent!
I can't speak directly to this but when I was living in Los Angeles part of my private practice was counseling people through the California Victims of Crime Program. There is one here in Minnesota: https://dps.mn.gov/divisions/ojp/help-for-crime-victims/Pages/crime-victims-reparations.aspx. The website list the requirements for eligibility and what is covered (it does include mental health services). I would hope that part of her journey will include counseling. Good question. Maybe Jenny or Craig know more details of the process here.
Though this is not my area of expertise, I will offer a bit of my experience. The issue that you speak of would be in the area of child protection. Once the child is placed in Child Protective Services, they are assigned a case worker that helps them identify the services that are needed to provide a safe environment for the child, this may include parent classes, family counseling, individual counseling, etc. I have included a link to the Minnesota Department of Human Services-Child Protection site. They address the role of child protection and services that they offer, that include family counseling, depending on the situation. http://www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_DYNAMIC_CONVERSION&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&dDocName=id_000152
After reading Megan's comment, I wonder if you are referring to a county's victims/witness support or assistance programs? For example, here are two links to ours in Wright County: http://www.co.wright.mn.us/department/attorney/victimwitnessassistance.asp http://www.co.wright.mn.us/department/sheriff/victimassistance.asp
There are many mental health professionals in the field, that is true. Whether that leads to overdiagnosis, overanalyzing, and overmedicating, that is difficult to know for certain. Those qualified to provide therapy, diagnosis, and/or prescribe medication are held to their board standards to follow ethical guidelines, that include providing appropriate treatment. I prefer clinicians who offer parents options when working with their child as well as encourage parents to get different professional opinions when they are dealing with a concerning diagnosis or medication for their children.
It sounds like you are doing a lot with your son to get him on track; and I am sure that it is very frustrating for you. First, I am curious about his age and second, what the teachers are suggesting, and third, how long has he been struggling. You are right, it shouldn't be this hard. Initially, I recommend meeting with the teachers to discuss your concerns and to develop a plan.
I highly recommend the book Misdiagnosis And Dual Diagnoses Of Gifted Children and Adults by James Webb as one of the best out there. He, the members of SENG (www.senggifted.org), myself and small groups of therapists, parents and educators around the country are passionate about helping avoid this very thing. I speak to parents on the topic as it relates to teenage girls. It's a great book for educators, parents and therapists as there are many things that are misdiagnosed if other factors are not ruled out. For example, diet has a major impact on behavior; Not only what is eaten but sudden drops in blood sugar can look like ADHD. A child bored in class due to advanced academic ability may be disruptive or daydream. Some kids with high ability in one area may actually have a learning disability in another (Twice Exceptional www.2enewsletter.com) and the LD get the focus. I will refer parents to the Pediatric Integrative Medicine Clinic in Chaska led by Dr. Culbert, a pioneer in the field. The center uses "biofeedback, mind/body medicine, holistic therapies, nutrition and lifestyle approaches" as alternatives to traditional medication. It is an on-going discussion of why the increase in bi-polar and ADHD diagnosis in children. Is it environment? Diet? Vaccines? Excess electronics? Chronic stress? misdiagnosis? I don't have an answer. I would tell people if they feel they have been given a Dx that seems wrong, always get a 2nd or 3rd opinion
Check out www.mcgt.net. This is an invaluable group for parents who struggle with issues like you are describing. As a member you have access to an amazing listserve where people ask questions just like you did and the responses can be really helpful in navigating educational challenges. There is one woman in particular who is very knowledgeable on the issue of 504's and school's resistance to them is often discussed. My understanding is that once it is in writing they have to follow it. I would call the school today and follow up on it to get them to move faster. Here is a site that has step by step guide about the process: http://www.help4adhd.org/en/education/rights/504 it's daunting but from the little that you shared it sounds like it's a reasonable request. Who determined he is "boarderline ADD"? A full evaluation if you haven't had one could also show other sorts of processing delays or disorders. A few I'd recommend are Dr. Teresa Boatman and Mary L. Wandrei, PhD, LP at Affiliated Counseling Center. Both specialize in working with high ability kids. I'm not sure if that would be covered under the 504 so you'd need to get more info. Best of luck on your journey. It sounds like you are both working really hard to figure this out. Ideally the 504 will help!
Has your son always had this issue? Or is this more recent?
One of the problems is, in my humble opinion, is that the general practitioners that often do the prescribing of stimulants for ADHD do not conduct detailed assessments and interviews with school staff and both parents to determine the consistency of information that indicates problems in multiple areas of functioning for the child. Many times those children you may be referring to in class are only medicated and not even brought to therapy to help them learn behavioral interventions in tandem with stimulant treatment. Further, When someone presents with ADHD like symptoms in most therapist's offices, professionals that I know rarely just say this is ADHD. Like my collegues, what we often do is refer for psychological testing because it is a BIG deal to label a child and to put them on a stimulant. Also, there are so many similar mental health issues that can look like ADHD including abuse issues, anxiety, trauma, not to mention there can be medical issues contributing to the inattention of hyperactivity. Because of this, I believe it is essential that any parent considering stimulants get through testing and evaluation from specialists preferrably a psychiatrist that only prescribes medications related to mental health disorder. What do you folks think?
I brought in one of my staff members, Nancy Tomanek, who is also an LMFT to respond to your question. Here's what Nancy had to say: It's always tough to address family dilemmas especially around the holidays. It's reasonable to want an enjoyable family gathering, therefore only inviting those who are enjoyable to be around. There is also the pull of family obligations and reaching out to those who would otherwise be alone at the holidays. Is there a way to limit the visit with the Aunt? Could she be told to arrive later as a means of limiting her stay? Maybe stop by and visit with her individually instead of at a large family gathering. There are times when it is beneficial to have a heart to heart discussion as she may not be aware of the impact of her words and attitudes.It really is a tough call and not everyone will be happy with the decision.Christmas is a time for reaching out and connecting with our loved ones, sometime this means looking past indiscretions; sometimes it means setting new boundaries.
The holidays can be such a difficult time after we lose someone. Not only are we grieving for them but we are also left with family dynamics that have a different feel now that the loved one is gone. I agree with what Nancy stated regarding boundaries and setting some new limits. Whether that means you and your husband talk with her ahead of time, plan a shortened holiday with her, or visit her outside of your home. It will be a delicate situation, however, and you may have to reevaluate what you decide, or even hold off a year to make the change. At minimum I suggest a game plan for the immediate family on how to respond to MJ if she attends, and if she is hurtful. Could you change the subject? Pull MJ aside? Let MJ know how much your MIL was loved? You do have options, so start by discussing with your husband. I do wish you a peaceful holiday.
My mother has Alzheimer's - between that and what my MIL went through, I think anyone with a living parent should embrace that person. My mother still manages to tell me each time I see her in person that she loves me, is proud of me and so very happy for my kids who are thriving. That's what I'm used to... Your response would be helpful if these were rational people. Unfortunately, that is simply not the case. They don't do "heart to hearts". They hold grudges. For decades. I feel that I've paid my dues and have earned the right to enjoy the holidays. I don't mind hosting Christmas Day, yet it is a lot of work each year. I've run out of patience with this relative. I loathe and dread seeing her. I pretty much decided that the day of my MIL's funeral when MJ and SE stood in front of me and droned on about what awful children my husband and his sister were as little kids. All I could do was stare at them in disbelief. Was that really all they had to say? My fear is I will say something I'll regret or have an outburst. I'd be so mad at myself. Honestly, could you try to be my advocate and give me some advice other than "suck it up" advice? It's really confusing to me the loyalties of my husband and father-in-law in this situation.